Few studios have been as daring, adventurous, and brilliant as Pixar. In a little over twenty years, they have taken us to space, to the bottom of the ocean, to a world inhabited by cars, to a Parisian kitchen, and to a world inhabited by monsters. And having successfully batted 17/20 thus far, only mis-stepping between 2011 and 2013 (yes, Brave is bad, come at me), it seems like there’s nothing they can’t do. But with the teaser trailer for their new movie, Onward, a film boasting such a talented cast as Chris Pratt, Tom Holland, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Octavia Spencer, Pixar seems to be attempting something they’ve never tried before: making an out-and-out terrible movie. Because my God, this is one of the worst trailers I’ve ever seen.
Set in a suburban magical world where elves, trolls, mermaids, centaurs, gnomes, and goblins have taken over, and where unicorns are raccoons and dragons are dogs, two teenage elf brothers, younger Ian (Holland) and older rebel Barley (Pratt) set out on a quest to find the source of all magic, in the hopes of spending one last day with their father, who died when they were too young to remember him. I get all this from Wikipedia, by the way, because the trailer gives you none of that.
I don’t know what to make of this trailer. At the very least, Pixar’s known for putting out riveting trailers that captivate audiences. Even the trailers for Brave and Cars 2 were shockingly good. But this…this looks like some sort of sh*tty early-aughts DreamWorks crap – or worse, something by modern-day Illumination. Are the Minions going to show up next? Are we going to see some garbage rendition of Shrek? Maybe the director will mine more material out of this premise than we give him credit for. After all, it’s not like he directed one of those previous garbage Pixar movies like (*checks Wikipedia*) oh god. Monsters University. Jesus Christ. Ok. Well, maybe the eventual movie will turn out better. We’ll know for sure on March 6th, 2020. Until then, we’ll have to endure this polished turd of a trailer ad naseum in front of children’s films. Good luck. You’re gonna need it.